A call to action

I awoke this morning to sense of urgency, as if life was indicating I had left something undone; something so unquestioningly important that the entirety of my existence was rendered askew. And so, from the wee hour of eleven am when I waved my hand over my fancy schmancy new Logitech Pure-Fi Anytime iPhone 3Gs alarm clock to snooze for my requisite thirty extra minutes, through my breakfast of low fat cottage cheese, only a single Krispy Creme from last night, and a Diet Coke (my doctor said I needed to cut back my artificial sugar intake), to my Vespa ride to work, I contemplated what was askance. Was there something I've missed? Did I forget to pay the Verizon bill with my parents traveling Europe? What if I sent my preregistration NYAF to the wrong place and would miss Makino Yui's (kawaii!!!) performance?!? Did I remember to pre-order the Japan-only FFXIII PS3 Slim bundle and register to transfer my maxed little tarutaru to FFXIV?

And then it hit me.

The events leading to my sudden retreat from the world are well chronicled in the annals of this journal, but the path I subsequently found myself upon was even more fantastical than I ever imagined. I feel like I owe you, my faithful readers, a summary of the happenings in my life and where I've been these three point seven five long years. Every fiber of my being is crying out in protest at how horribly lax I've been with this, my greatest responsibility, and how much I owe it to you, my adoring fans, to once again call out against the injustices the world inflicts upon my person daily and to at least provide a little detail around my mysterious disappearance.

I guess it all started with the horrible mistakes made all those years ago. In an unexpected turn of events, "Jake and Nessa" weren't just brothers, THEY WERE THE SAME PERSON... WHO WAS MY SKINNY BITCH COWORKER JAY!

I'll give you a moment to digest that...

Turns out "Jake" was trying to blackmail me into wiring him two big ones in order to keep the whole affair hush hush from my family and friends. Within four months that P.I. caught him red handed and after notifying the police, Jay admitted to downloading child porn and I've been advised by the family lawyer that that's all I can say about that matter. Might I recommend anyone with a secret to uncover pay a visit to http://www.freelancesecurity.com/? Best three thousand I ever spent.

Back to me.

From there was a downward spiral, the descent into the harsh underbelly of severe depression saw me questioning everything I held true. How could I fall in love with a woman Jay had made up? Did this mean I had feelings for Jay? I began writing him in prison, one letter after another, asking for his honest feelings and I found myself met with scorn and derision. I tried a visit but the guard said he refused to talk to me.

Two weeks, being let go from my job due to my absence, my mother and father locking me out of the house, and three bottles of Zoloft later, I decided to escape to the only place I knew would take me:

The army.

Let me tell you, it was NOTHING like AA. Three weeks later, after the embarrassment and ridicule of being deemed unfit for duty, I found myself solace in the house of a good friend and in the clutches of cocaine addiction. Within four months I had lost nearly one hundred and fifty pounds and was a disgustingly unhealthy one hundred and seventy pounds, a five-foot-two mirror of Skeletor, evil lord of destruction himself.

Fast forward another two years, three stints at rehab, and two very angry parents, it was the fall of the year of our Lord, two thousand and eight.

I can feel the languid pull of sleep indicating that I should stop now. For ye, oh faithful believers, I shall promise to be back anon, with the rest of my story; how I found Jesus, confronted my eternal tormentor Jay, was cured of my possible homosexuality, my new girlfriend (who is magic at the costume production for cons, btw), my new job, and a new direction for this blog!

World upside-down...

So after a ton of requests from my fans I have decided to let you know my terrible secret. I got an email from a person named "Jake" who says he is "Nessa's" younger brother...

Well, apparently, "Nessa" was his 30 year old bisexual goth older brother who played D&D in AOL chat. He really liked me but when I was pushing to get to meet "Nessa" he freaked out and that's why I've never heard from him.

All my illusions shattered in one email. I told him my greatest fears and "she" helped me understand and be more comfortable with myself. "She" helped me surmount some of the greatest obstacles in my life and I thought that one day we would be together forever.

I cybered with this guy! And I thought it was a woman! I'm still waiting to hear back from "Jake" to learn more about his brother and why he didn't tell me he was a man.

I feel used...

No words left to say...

I got an email yesterday and I don't know if I can tell you what it said, but suffice it to say, I was distraught enough to avoid this blog...

Love Lost

A recent comment left on my blog has me remembering the love of my life. We had this intense mental connection that I can't quite describe. From the first moment we started talking, I felt I was drawn inexorably towards her. The sheer energy she had was just a perfect complement to my more introverted personality. Even today, I still remember those conversations we had...

We met in the summer of 2003 in the AOL D&D roleplaying chat. I was a traveling gnome wizard and she was the most beautiful elven cleric I have ever met. We came across each other at the "Spouting Fish," a run down tavern in the shipping district of Waterdeep, and even despite our racial differences, we hit it off immediately. I spent the next few months of my life on the most exciting role playing campaign I have ever experienced. We watched the sun set over the beautiful ice covered Thunder Peaks, explored the ruins of ancient civilizations across the great desert, and spent evenings wrapped in each other's arms sailing across the moon sea.

On December 13, 2003 we were married in that same tavern in Waterdeep. Everyone, from an elven diplomat to Blackstaff, the mayor of town was in attendance.

And then it happened. Two days after our marriage she logged off in the middle of a play session. I thought maybe she had disconnected and I waited in the channel so we could keep adventuring.

The hours turned to days and soon I was flooding her inbox with emails, hoping she would respond...

I even called her ISP up trying to get her home phone number, anything I could use to get in touch with her. An address, a name, anything.

I never found out what happened to her, the love of my life. Nessa Carnesîr of the westland elves, if you ever come across this, know that I still hold you dear in my heart...

IT Helpless

I got a virus on my machine today. It sent out a picture titled "tubgirl" to everyone in my Outlook contacts list. I asked the IT guys to do something and they still haven't even come to take a look at my machine.

Meanwhile, my grandmother just called to ask me why I sent her a picture of a naked woman doing something I don't quite know how to describe...

Not so Climactic Conclusion

Well, I just realized I had a little bit of TP sticking out the top of the back of my pants. I think that's what they were talking about...

Casanova, Moi?

Today, when I was walking back to my desk after lunch, I overheard my name in a conversation these two trainees were having. Now usually, I would make nothing of this, but these trainees were GIRLS! Maybe they were admiring my new glasses:

If you want a pair, you can get them here.

Tristan Alone

This Friday the bus was on time so I decided to go see a movie that night. As most of friends were continuing their new D&D campaign which I no longer want to participate in for obvious reasons, I thought I might as well go alone.

Well, I got to the movie theater, and there was this really cool looking medieval movie at the local megaplex called "Tristan and Isolde." Thinking I was in for a treat, I got tickets for the late showing and waited around in line until then. Thankfully I was one of the first people in line, so I knew I would get a good seat.

Well, apparently, I was wrong.

I took a seat in the middle area where the bar is so I could put my feet up. I hate sitting too close because it hurts my neck to look up and I hate sitting too far back because I have to squint to see what is going on.

Unfortunately, as the movie was sold out, one of the ushers asked me to move to the handicapped seats because I was using up 3 of the regular seats. I know that I am big, but the seats in the theaters have progressively shrunk over the years and they really don't make allowances for people who are a little overweight.

Usually, I wouldn't object, but in this particular theater, the handicapped seats were RIGHT in front. The movie was great, there was all sorts of action happening and the battle scenes were choreographed EXCELLENTLY. Almost as good as the tournament we organized at the Renaissance Faire November of 2001.

Too bad my completely sore neck ruined it completely! What's more, the people sitting behind me were complaining about my breathing, but I can't help it; sitting like that makes my breathing extremely nasaly as it puts pressure on my chest and lungs when my head is being held that far back.

By the time I got home, I was practically wheezing and I had to use the nebulizer because my inhaler definitely wasn't enough.

Oh yeah, I almost forgot, I could hear the kids behind me and to the left talking about "That snorting, lonely fatass up front" throughout the whole movie just loud enough for me to hear. That just made me feel even more alone.

Falsely Accused!

I must apologize to my loyal readers for my long absence. I have received email from some of you asking me what has happened, but unfortunately I just got it today. My little brother is at school right now and took his laptop with him, so I have been unable to use the Internet from home. As for work...

Well, I am not sure EXACTLY what happened, but I do know that I saw one of those jerks from the fourth floor near my cubicle on Monday morning when I came in. I went to the bathroom so I wouldn't have to deal with him, and when I came back to my desk, he wasn't around at all.

So I sit down to work as usual, check my emails and just go about work as usual for a while.

At least until 11 am that morning. I opened up my inbox in Lotus Notes and there was an urgent message from my boss an the IT director. I was supposed to meet with them immediately.

So I get to the meeting room and the IT director proceeds to tell me that during a routine network sweep they found pornographic material on my network share drive! Now, I don't know how it got there at all and I was so embarrassed I couldn't do anything but nod my head. I don't know how I kept the tears in check as my manager proceeded to berate me and tell me that this was completely unacceptable behavior.

It wasn't until an hour later after I came back after sobbing quietly in my favorite bathroom stall that I realized that jerk from the fourth floor might have been on my computer when I saw him walking away! When I got in this morning, I was logged in. I don't know how he got my password, I even added the dash between "bon-bons" to make it more secure! I was so angry when I realized he must have done it, I started shaking.

But that wasn't the worst part. Apparently, because of my infraction, I was restricted to only visiting web sites within the company's Intranet and so I've been effectively cut off from the rest of the Web until today! And even now, I am on a probationary period and my boss says if they find anything like that on my computer again I will be immediately terminated!

I tried to tell him about the guy who I suspected might have done it, but my boss is so aggressive, I don't know how to approach him. The disapproving looks he gives me whenever I am nearby is enough to make me avoid his office as much as a I can...

Thank God no one ate my bon bons from the fridge in the break room this week.

Planet of the Creeps

I took the first step towards self confidence today, I let those jerks on the fourth floor know how I really felt. Well, I tried to at least.

I heard this amazing song on my favorite podcast last night, it was called "High Road" from the group "Fort Minor." One line in the whole song stood out as the best insult I have heard in a long time.

I spent all day thinking about it. It's not very often you're provided with a verbal weapon of such sheer brilliance as I found in that song. I got so confident, that after lunch, I took the elevator down to the fourth floor to go tell them what I thought.

When I got to their workstations, though, they weren't even around. I turned around to head back to the elevator, when I saw them coming towards me.

I really wanted to say it then, but I just couldn't. When I saw them there coming towards me, I freaked out and made a dash to the bathroom on that floor. Unfortunately, I was too anxious and didn't even notice the "bathroom is being cleaned" sign on the floor. I ended up sliding across the wet floor of the bathroom and fell over, pulling the trash can with me.

So not only did I fall over, I had to pick up scattered paper towels, most of which were wet with what I am hoping is water while the janitor just stood and watched. He didn't even help me up. To make things worse, when I got back to the elevator, it was stuck on the first floor! I don't know what happened this time, but I had to take that stairs back up. It was one flight this time, but that didn't make it any easier on me.

In case you were wondering, the line was "You're like a high school dropout, no class."

Perfect, isn't it?
Anyways, I just got upstairs and I think I need to find my inhaler.

Timely Transportation

My boss announced this afternoon that we could leave by 3 today! I was hoping to get home early to start the new D&D campaign set in the Eberron universe with my friend's online today. We use the aol chat client because they have the d20 built right in! I e-mailed my friends and told them I would be home by 4.

Too bad that never happened.

On the bus today, I thought it was my lucky day. I was able to get a double seat all to myself, and it was almost completely empty when I got on. Too bad after 2 stops, the wheelchair lift broke when trying to lift a woman in a wheelchair in and we spent the next hour and a half waiting for someone to come out and fix it. I asked why couldn't she just take the next bus, but apparently this is the only one equipped for handicapped people.

So I was stuck there, at the light, and by the time I logged online, they had picked another person to be Dungeon Master. This is the first time in the past 4 years I haven't led the campaign. To make things worse, they wouldn't even let me play because I came in late. Now I am stuck as a level 1 dark elf warrior with no experience and no loot.

God, all week I waited for this and nothing.

Pushing the Limit

Now working on the top floor sometimes has its advantages. When no one is looking I like to stare out the window at the clouds going past in the sky. It helps me forget about the absurdities that I face almost hourly at work.

Today, though, I found a horrible drawback.

This morning I went down to the second floor restroom because I like the larger handicapped stall they have down there. When I was ready to come back up, I pressed the button for the elevator and waited.

When the doors opened, the elevator was about half full, just enough space for me to squeeze in. So I sucked it in and tried to get in. As soon as I did though, the weight limit light went off. I asked if anyone else minded taking the stairs because I have a condition that makes those 3 flights up very difficult.

As if the weight limit light wasn't humiliating enough, these two assholes from the floor beneath me proceed to push me off and pushed the door close button as soon as they got me out. So i sat there waiting for another elevator.

It never came.

So I was forced to make my way up the stairs. By the time I got to the top floor I was dripping with sweat, completely out of breath and my side has hurt terribly since.

I later found out that those idiots on the fourth floor hit the emergency stop button on the elevator once they got out so it wouldn't come back for me. I don't know what I ever did to those jerks.

Precarious Position

Thankfully, my brother got his laptop fixed at the Geek Squad in the mall while I was at work today.

Unfortunately, that doesn't make my bus ride home any better. I was stuck standing, there was only one seat left on the bus when I got on and I don't quite fit into a single seat. There I was, in the back of the bus, and the people next to me were getting quite frisky. Now, I know people do all sorts of unsavory things on the bus, but she had her hand in his lap and she was moving all around. Even this I could deal with.

What I couldn't deal with was when she finished and I felt something hit my shoe. I looked down to see what I am guessing was his seminal fluid all over my work shoes.

I was so distraught, I couldn't say anything. When I got to my stop, I had to walk across the entire bus to get out and I am sure everyone was staring at me and my shoes. I don't know if I have enough money left after Christmas to get new shoes, so I guess I have to clean these off myself...

Holiday Hijinks

I reconsidered, I know that you all wait with baited breath, wondering why exactly my holiday was such a terrible disaster.

Well, first, let me start with the premise of Christmas. Having nothing to do with religion, it has evolved into a commercial force beyond all reckoning. It has this kind of sway over our culture, turning everyone into drones of the commercial machine. The hyper-capitalist ideals the holiday represents are ridiculous. We spend all year drifting apart and then we spend as much as we can on presents in some attempt to prove we actually care about each other.

For a few years I refused to adhere to the rules posed by this terrible holiday, but I gradually came to realize that no one would be satisfied if I didn’t give them various items for Christmas.

I bought my little brother one of those new ipods, the kind that plays video. I bought my dad a new camera, one of those little Canon Elphs. And my mom, I bought her a Tahitian pearl necklace.

My parents gave me socks and my little brother gave me two tickets to see “The Chronicles of Narnia.” And he took one ticket for himself. And he asked for the other one back so he could see it with his girlfriend.

Now everytime I open up my sock drawer, I start to cry...

Computational Complications

I don't know why, but I've come to rely on the Internet as my one form of escape from the trials and tribulations of my daily existence. When the rigors of life catch up to me, the Internet and its vast stores of knowledge provide me respite.

Which is why when I spilled my Hi-C with just a touch of Stoli on my little brother’s laptop and I lost my only outlet to the web before Christmas, I spent the next few days in my room, staring at the ceiling, wondering when I would be reunited with what I feel has become my real home. It’s funny how that is, when my family and few friends want nothing to do with me, the warmth of the monitor draws me into a whole new place where I feel like my existence has meaning.

Thankfully, now that I’m back at work, I have access to this world of wonder that I missed so dearly.

As you’ve noticed, I gave Christmas the most cursory of acknowledgements. I am still debating into how much detail I should go, but I will let you know for now that it was harrowing.

Deliriously Damaged

I met with my insurance agent today. Apparently since I turned in my last premium late, I technically have no insurance right now. I was saving up to go to Upstate NY Masquerade Ball 2006 in Albany but now I don't think I can afford it anymore. I just finished my Inuyasha costume. I spent almost 3 months sewing and piecing this together and now I can't even show it off.

Even though I know no one is reading this, here is a picture of the damage to my car:

I'm going to go see how much this costs. Dealing with mechanics always gets me down...

Laborious Longing

I thought I had a good thing going here but I just realized something:

God I miss my bon bons.

Satisfyingly Snackworthy

I went back to Safeway and made some new friends. Everyone meet Ben and Jerry:

Careless Consumption

Could this night get any worse? I just went to Safeway to get something to snack on and I found they're completely out of bon bons. I asked the manager when they'd get more in and he told me not for at least another week. I decided to eat healthy so I got some licorice.

God, licorice sucks.

Roadkill

Great. I just got home from the worst experience I've ever had on the road. On the freeway, I was in the fast lane going a good 65 and the person behind me started tailgating me. I just stayed there for a while until that horrible individual proceeded to honk at me. It was so frightening I actually lost control of my car and scraped against the divider. By the time I made my way to the shoulder, I saw at least 10 people drive past laughing at me.

God, my life sucks. And I'm out of bon bons.

Lost in Frustration

So I sit down for lunch today and the first thing Jay tells me is "nice sandwich."

What is that? Is he telling me I'm fat? I know I've gained a few pounds, but I can't really help genetics. I really don't feel that this a positive work environment. Tomorrow I'm eating in my cubicle.

Forlorn, Forsaken, and Forgotten

I keep refreshing this page hoping someone will leave me a comment, but it seems in cyberspace everyone cares about me as much as in my regular life.

Are a few kind words too much to ask for? I'm going to go stare at the wall until I can drift into the sweet embrace of sleep where the pain inside just fades away...

Just Misunderstood

I just came back from King Kong, and I would wholeheartedly recommend it...

Except for the fact that I couldn't compose myself enough after crying my eyes out at the ending to even drive myself home. I had to call a cab.

I hate my life. I'm going to go eat some bon bons.

Countdown to Collapse

I don't even know why I'm doing this... Everyday seems like an exercise in futility as I wade through the abyss of hatred in the world around me. Sometimes I think it would even be better to sink into nothingness, rather than continue this spiral into the dark.

Today at work I made a conscious effort to come in early. On Mondays the department manager brings in donuts to the delight of everyone I work with. Unfortunately, I always manage to come in a few minutes late to no donuts. I was so proud of myself for getting here early that I almost ran to the break room.

I almost broke down right there. The receptionist was busily munching on the last donut! All morning I couldn't think of anything else. I had to leave our weekly reports meeting to run to the restroom because I couldn't contain myself. I think the person in the stall next to me could hear my crying, but, mercifully, they left without saying anything.

I'm going to go meditate for a while in the parking lot.