A call to action

I awoke this morning to sense of urgency, as if life was indicating I had left something undone; something so unquestioningly important that the entirety of my existence was rendered askew. And so, from the wee hour of eleven am when I waved my hand over my fancy schmancy new Logitech Pure-Fi Anytime iPhone 3Gs alarm clock to snooze for my requisite thirty extra minutes, through my breakfast of low fat cottage cheese, only a single Krispy Creme from last night, and a Diet Coke (my doctor said I needed to cut back my artificial sugar intake), to my Vespa ride to work, I contemplated what was askance. Was there something I've missed? Did I forget to pay the Verizon bill with my parents traveling Europe? What if I sent my preregistration NYAF to the wrong place and would miss Makino Yui's (kawaii!!!) performance?!? Did I remember to pre-order the Japan-only FFXIII PS3 Slim bundle and register to transfer my maxed little tarutaru to FFXIV?

And then it hit me.

The events leading to my sudden retreat from the world are well chronicled in the annals of this journal, but the path I subsequently found myself upon was even more fantastical than I ever imagined. I feel like I owe you, my faithful readers, a summary of the happenings in my life and where I've been these three point seven five long years. Every fiber of my being is crying out in protest at how horribly lax I've been with this, my greatest responsibility, and how much I owe it to you, my adoring fans, to once again call out against the injustices the world inflicts upon my person daily and to at least provide a little detail around my mysterious disappearance.

I guess it all started with the horrible mistakes made all those years ago. In an unexpected turn of events, "Jake and Nessa" weren't just brothers, THEY WERE THE SAME PERSON... WHO WAS MY SKINNY BITCH COWORKER JAY!

I'll give you a moment to digest that...

Turns out "Jake" was trying to blackmail me into wiring him two big ones in order to keep the whole affair hush hush from my family and friends. Within four months that P.I. caught him red handed and after notifying the police, Jay admitted to downloading child porn and I've been advised by the family lawyer that that's all I can say about that matter. Might I recommend anyone with a secret to uncover pay a visit to http://www.freelancesecurity.com/? Best three thousand I ever spent.

Back to me.

From there was a downward spiral, the descent into the harsh underbelly of severe depression saw me questioning everything I held true. How could I fall in love with a woman Jay had made up? Did this mean I had feelings for Jay? I began writing him in prison, one letter after another, asking for his honest feelings and I found myself met with scorn and derision. I tried a visit but the guard said he refused to talk to me.

Two weeks, being let go from my job due to my absence, my mother and father locking me out of the house, and three bottles of Zoloft later, I decided to escape to the only place I knew would take me:

The army.

Let me tell you, it was NOTHING like AA. Three weeks later, after the embarrassment and ridicule of being deemed unfit for duty, I found myself solace in the house of a good friend and in the clutches of cocaine addiction. Within four months I had lost nearly one hundred and fifty pounds and was a disgustingly unhealthy one hundred and seventy pounds, a five-foot-two mirror of Skeletor, evil lord of destruction himself.

Fast forward another two years, three stints at rehab, and two very angry parents, it was the fall of the year of our Lord, two thousand and eight.

I can feel the languid pull of sleep indicating that I should stop now. For ye, oh faithful believers, I shall promise to be back anon, with the rest of my story; how I found Jesus, confronted my eternal tormentor Jay, was cured of my possible homosexuality, my new girlfriend (who is magic at the costume production for cons, btw), my new job, and a new direction for this blog!